Fatima is a 41-year-old bank manager whose husband has been emotionally and financially abusing her over the 12 years they stayed married. She had three girls and the inability to give birth to a male child was one of the frequent sources of emotional harassment from him and his family. He was critical of everything she did or did not do – from her dressing and fashion style, to her cooking, her parenting of their daughters, and so on. Her career progress was belittled and referred to derogatorily as making her less of a good wife and a good mother.
Over time, she gradually became less confident in her decision making and her choices. She started second guessing her every decision and wondered if she was truly not good enough for him and his family. When she complained about his harsh critical comments, he would switch to the cold treatment and stop talking to her completely. After a few years of marriage, she had become reclusive and started treatment for depression. After several episodes of depressive illness, it was when she finally started therapy sessions that it dawned upon her that she had been experiencing emotional abuse which had taken its toll on her mental health.
The therapist invited the husband for couple sessions but he refused. He insisted that there was nothing wrong with him and that she was the one that needed fixing. She eventually concluded that for her peace of mind, she needed to be by herself and she filed for divorce. That was when all hell was let loose. Family delegations from her side as well as his side, trooped in, their imam/pastor stepped in also.
Discussion
Unfortunately, single parents and children raised by them are prone to higher rates of emotional difficulties. These are worsened by the frequently hostile and judgmental attitude of many in our society. They say things like, Oh, she must have been arrogant and proud. Or, she was wayward. Otherwise, why couldn’t she get someone to marry her? Or, why didn’t she stay married?
Common emotional problems among single parents include feelings of guilt, self-doubt and self-blame, anxiety, worries about parenting alone, mood disorders such as depression and low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Others include loneliness and poor social support network, financial difficulties, societal stigma, discrimination and pressure, as well as emotional and physical exhaustion. It is even more difficult when there is a child with special needs.
Common emotional problems in children
These depend on the age of the child at the time of the separation/divorce/death of one parent. Children may experience feelings of guilt, resentment against parents and envious of other children with both parents and a ´normal´ family life, anger and frustration at an unfair world, insecurity about their place in the world and so on. Others include poor academic performance, low self-esteem, anxiety and mood disorders, substance use disorders and risk of sexual and physical abuse.
What can you do to help?
- Stop societal shaming and discrimination. Stop judging others when you don’t know half of their story.
- Show empathy, and understanding. Don’t offer unsolicited advice about needing to get married and/or staying married.
Single parents should:
- Build and strengthen their social support system.
- Take time-outs so you don’t burn out from emotional and physical exhaustion
- Avoid and resist the temptation to unburden on your children and complain about their absent and irresponsible father/mother.
- Do not rob your children of their childhood innocence. Do not place adult burden of responsibility on them. They still need to remain children who can play and be carefree.
- Bond closely and spend time to ensure they appreciate that they are unconditionally loved.
- Once they hit teenage years, begin to give them some space.
- Have honest conversations with them and admit your mistakes and errors. You are coaching them for their own life in future, not seeking to win a popularity contest.
- Your life must not revolve around them to fill the void of not having a partner. It is good for them to see that you have a life/career and that you are happy and self-assured. It does wonders for their self-esteem too.
Conclusion
Marriage is a popular tradition that society places a high premium on. However, we should recognise some marriages may not work and a divorce may be the end result. This, by itself, is a very tough decision, with a lot of emotional challenges and harsh realities to deal with. The least we should be doing is to show empathy and understanding, or simply let them be. We should stop the shaming and discrimination against persons who have had cause to end their marriages, or those who were never married for one reason or the other.
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