RECENTLY, outside the shores of Nigeria, I bumped into Lanre and Chimdi, who used to come for counseling at my Nigerian office while they were still single. Being familiar faces in a strange land, we ended up becoming quite close.
As usual, l wanted to know how they were faring as husband and wife living in a foreign land, with a different culture and norms. From all indications, after living together as couples for some years, things were not as envisaged and they were finding it a bit challenging to adapt to the situation.
During their counseling classes, I could remember asking them to list five habits or personality traits about each other that they found annoying, that can hinder the growth of oneness in the union, and invariably affect their sex life.
Lanre in particular was a bit embarrassed because she just stared at her blank piece of paper and said, “Honestly, nothing about Chimdi annoys me, he is the perfect type of man any lady would dream to have.”
But ten years after marriage, the reverse is the case. Few days ago, I was invited to their ten-year wedding anniversary and both of them admitted that they were not enjoying the relationship anymore, especially their sex life. As far as Lanre is concerned, theirs is a sexless marriage because Chimdi has given up on her, and settled with a sex partner outside the matrimonial home. Little issues have clouded the beautiful relationship they once had.
The list of Chimdi’s accusations had also grown, primarily because of the stress of his wife managing two kids. He complained that the kids were more or less his wife’s first husband.
The husband, who did not know how to get his wife to understand his own sexual need became frustrated and moved on with another woman, though he still claimed to love his wife.
Well, at the beginning of the marital relationship, every couple wishes that the romance, affection and head-in-the-clouds love could last forever. But at some point, every husband and wife must cross the invisible line between fantasy and real life.
Even in the Bible, many marriages crossed that line as problems threatened to erode their intimacy. For instance, in the Song of Songs 2:15, the couple prayed, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” The wife, in particular, declared, “We’ve got problems. Can’t you see those little foxes? They’re going to ruin everything for us. Do something about this.”
Before this time, everything seemed perfect, until the wife started noticing some little foxes in their vineyard, and warned her husband of their presence. The plain truth about insignificant issues is that while they appear harmless, such things like foxes dig holes and passages around the vines and prevent them from developing a stable root system. In this instance, that root system is their intimacy.
The little foxes in this passage symbolize the small problems that bite at the root of their love and sexual intimacy.
The same goes for a married couple; they must always catch these foxes because if they don’t, these insignificant things will destroy their desire for one another, and the moment this is done, the foundation for progress becomes sick, rotten and open to destruction.
A recent magazine showed a husband and wife in bed, dressed in full-length pajamas and old ‘T’ shirt. The husband was staring blankly at his laptop while the wife was busy with her manicure. A camera was recording the expression on her face and the inscription on the magazine read “No sex please, we are married.” Other inscriptions asked: “Are stress, house chores, children, in-laws and work killing your romance and intimacy?”
I am sure you want to know the answer. Yes! Stress is eating many couples’ sex life by the day! Also, two very common and deadly insignificant issues or intimacy killers for married couples are work and kids.
Work, work, work! According to a research, former United States Labour Secretary, Robert Reich, says Americans worked 350 hours more this year than last year, and this upward trend continues: the result is neglected marriages. Unfortunately, there is no data on a typical Nigerian worker. But the fact still remains that the outcome is likely the same thing all over.
For instance, you can imagine if Chimdi works 75 hours a week under the guise of providing for his family. Lanre’s request that he should spend more time at home would provoke strong emotion, in spite of the fact that she’s also working tirelessly most times both at home and office.
There is the possibility of anger in the family when sex is in low supply. The dejected and unhappy woman may be prompted to ask “doesn’t he understand I am under pressure? Does he want to kill me?” On the other hand, the man would be miserable and fed up when turned down sexually wondering “Is she not aware that she’s so insensitive to my needs?”
Men are not the only ones who suffer from overwork. Women who are employed full time are usually still the main family and house managers. Unfortunately, constant connections with the outside world can disconnect us from our mate.
Naturally, one may think that a housewife would have time on her hands. But she must manage the household, teach home lesson, sell cosmetics and still take care of the children. Though she stays at home, a mother does more work than a regular office worker. If you accidentally ask “how’s your sex life?” she may likely retort “which sex?”
No doubt, children are the joy of parents. But may I be permitted to say that they are quite demanding. First, couples get married and then kids start rolling in. Problems surface when couples reverse this order. We best serve our children when we make the marriage our first priority.
Children, who are gifts from God and joy of parents, require constant care. But at the same time their arrival diminishes opportunities for intimacy.
Catherine told me: “I’ve got three children ranging from six months to four years. I’m so exhausted from them pulling me all day that by bedtime I can hardly move. Then my husband wants sex and he wonders why I’m irritated. The last thing I need is another person pulling on my worn-out body.” Somebody once said “sex makes little kids. Kids make little sex.”
In our busy, stress-filled lives, we race from work and children to marriage, and in the process, we end up putting out love fires, rather than living by priority. Someone described it this way: “We keep saying we’ll find time for us – next year will be different, the kids will be older, work commitments will be different. We’ve been saying these things for five years and nothing has changed. We’ve finally realised we must find time today, this week, not next year.”
Perhaps, part of the problem is our perspective. It isn’t about finding time; it’s about making time.
So what do we do about work and kids? How can we catch that insignificant moment and recapture intimacy?
Just find the time together, sit down together with your calendars. Across the top of a piece of paper, write the name of each family member, making a column for each. List the activities associated with each person, and how much time that activity takes each week. Be sure to include transportation time as well as time spent in planning or preparing for the activity.
Your goal is to review all your current activities, so that you can recover a minimum of two hours a week and one weekend a year that the two of you devote to each other.
To accomplish this goal, you’ll need to eliminate or curtail certain activities on your list. Review each activity and ask these questions: Can this be eliminated from our schedule? If not, how can we minimize its drain on our time? Discuss how you can grab two hours a week to focus on each other, and mark out that time on your schedule.
Ask those that have been married before you; you can visit one or two older couples whose marriages you respect. Ask them questions such as: How did you keep your marriage a priority? How did you make time for intimacy? What’s your most memorable romantic time together? What suggestions do you have for us as a couple? Is there anything you’d change about the priority you placed on your relationship?
Their wisdom will inspire you to create marriage minutes together. Go ahead and also brainstorm with couples within your age bracket. Organise a time out together and invite couples who are also interested in doing same. Ask every couple to be prepared to share three creative things they’ve done to grab marriage minutes. Compile a master list and wisely apply them to your home.
Stay off irrelevant activities and you’ll be shocked how much time you’ll have for romance and sex when you turn off your computer, television set and your mobile phone whenever you are in bed together. Try it for one week and see the difference it makes in finding time to enjoy passionate sex and intimacy.
When curious teenagers fill the house and won’t go to bed before midnight, it can short-circuit your love life. Once in a while, you can leave your teenagers with a worthwhile game or a good movie. You can pack a few clothes, a CD player and scented lotion, and go to a nearby hotel from 8-11 p.m. You’ll be amazed at how much loving and talking you can do with no ringing phones! It’s cheaper than dinner out and a movie – and more fun!
QUESTION ONE
Just this morning my husband told me I always freeze up whenever he tries to be romantic. My marriage is just about a year old and I must say it has not been easy sexually for both of us. My husband is quite considerate and gentle but I’m the problem. When he’s away I long for his touches, but when he’s around I just don’t enjoy sex. If I found out he’s having an affair and I can’t complain because I know I am not satisfying him. Please help me out. I want to improve my sex life.
I must say you were a little bit careless about your relationship and you took a lot of things for granted. But never the less there is hope if you will try as hard as possible. First, you need to try and explain to your husband that your actions were not deliberate and that you were sorry for your actions and that you are ready to make amendments.
When it comes to frigidity l always tell ladies that it is more of a matter of the mind than the body, so you have to make up your mind that you are not abnormal: what the mind can conceive the body can achieve. Then take time to tell yourself you will not only satisfy your husband sexually but you will make him beg for more. If you put your attention to these thoughts your inner power will flow there and you will see that sex with your husband will be like living in paradise.
QUESTION TWO
My wife is about five months pregnant and our sex life has dwindled a lot. I understand how it is, so I don’t complain. Is there any way I can help increase her interest? In what particular way should we have sex so that she won’t be hurt physically?
Pregnancy brings a lot of changes to the body of the woman, her taste and preferences. This is the time that the husband should be very understanding and supportive. Make sure you help out in the normal daily chores your wife is faced with. Then, take time out to ask her, ‘her take’ concerning sex at this crucial stage. This will help you to know what to do as per initiating it. Then, explain to her that you may not be able to stand a long sabbatical leave as a man.
There are also some positions you both can engage in sexually that will not be harmful to the baby and the mother. But you have to be gentle and don’t expect penetrative sex at this time to be as when she was not pregnant.
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