In a world where s3x has become transactional rather than an affair between partners in love, OLAMIDE ENIOLA sat with male s3x workers and wrote about how their strategies while plying the trade and the struggles they face in providing s3xual services to their clients.
Pleasure-seeking for longseems tilted against men in Nigeria. Whether a man desires to have s3xual gratification through the legally recognised institution of marriage or outside it, they often do so by parting with their resources, especially money, among other things. But this is now changing.
While it could be argued that marriage makes getting s3xual pleasure less daunting for men, the world of s3x outside marriage is fraught with many intricacies. In this world, men either pay or get paid to have s3x.
But in Nigeria, where traditional values and societal norms often cast a long shadow over issues of s3xuality and gender, the lives of male s3x workers remain hidden beneath layers of stigma and secrecy. These individuals operate in a world fraught with discrimination as their experiences are largely marginalised in public discourse.
When men pay for s3x, it looks normal even when the act violates spiritual, moral, and, in some cases, legal considerations. However, things get bizarre when men working as s3x workers get paid for providing s3xual services.
“The female aspect of s3x work is different from that of male. Female s3x workers are more common in the society than male s3x workers,” Bob (not his real name), a 35-year-old gigolo told Sunday Tribune. “It seems normal to have female s3x workers around, but male s3x workers have to be discreet and more organised. As a commercial male s3x worker, I cannot project this aspect of myself or boldly stand on the roadside like the female s3x workers waiting for clients.”
Bob added, “In fact, we have brothels where female s3x workers reside, like the one where we are right now, waiting for male customers to patronise them. Despite the commercial nature of s3x work, brothels for male s3x workers are not common. The world of male s3x workers has more of an invisible structure to it.”
The ‘invisible structure’ suggests that, even when there are no designated spots to find gigolos, like their female counterparts, in Nigerian cities, male s3x workers exist nonetheless, and they have their discreet network through which they hook up with (affluent) clients, usually older ladies (or women), who are constantly in need of their services.
In a similar narrative, Genz (not his real name), a 31-year-old male escort, explains that even when men choose to project their involvement in s3x work, people hardly take them seriously.
“I have seen multiple men post about this on their WhatsApp status,” Genz disclosed. “They will post about being into hookups, but people rarely take such posts seriously. People usually think of it as a joke, wondering why a man would be involved in such an act. Our society has feminised s3x work. Society makes it normal for men to pay and not be paid for s3x, while the same society makes it normal for females to be paid when they barely pay men for s3x. Some women pay men for sex, but it is not a common thing.”
How it started and how it is going
Although there are diverse reasons why men do sex work, male s3x workers who spoke with the Sunday Tribune claimed they ventured into s3x work because of economic and financial crises. According to them, they started it, thinking it would be a one-time financial rescue, but have now taken it as a supplement to their daily work.
Bob, a laboratory scientist in a state-owned hospital, recalled, “I have been into getting paid for s3x for some time now. I started as a 26-year-old, and I remember my first client was 19 years older than me. For the times I have been offering this service, I was always in a situation when I needed money, and I always felt like the easiest way out was to do s3x work. In a more recent experience, my phone got stolen, and I needed to get another one as soon as possible. Again, the fastest way for me to get the money was to do s3x work.”
The lab scientist and gigolo continued, “S3x work is a network. There are many online sites where one can list the various s3x services one provides, but beyond that, ladies who trade in s3x know other ladies in the business and ladies who need s3x services from men; the same goes for men. So, most transactions take place through an in-person network.
“Some time ago, I was asked to arrange party scatters, specifically ladies, for a club because some guys were coming into town. When I could not get enough ladies, I contacted another friend who helped me call more ladies for the event.”
Genz, an urban fashion stylist, recalled that his early shot into s3x work was made possible through a contact who was into hooking up women needing s3xual services with young men who could offer the services. According to Genz, s3x work is a ‘sugar mummy’ package for men.
“Some years back,” he recalled, “I met this guy who introduced me to a client. Remember I told you that s3x work for guys is discreet and organised. For men, s3x work is a sugar mummy package. The guy organises men who are interested in s3x work and told me about a woman in Lagos who did not have time for herself but was always available one weekend a month. He gave me her contact information, and we started talking.
“Whenever the woman was going to be free, she would invite me to Lagos, and we would lodge in a hotel paid for by the woman. The first weekend went that way, and we returned to our separate lives. After that, we had a couple of casual chats, checking up on each other and setting up the next meeting. Normally, she would have asked for someone else if she were not satisfied. But she got stuck with me, and we continued seeing until I became dissatisfied.”
Between romance and ritual
Speaking on why older women would want to have affairs with young men, the Head of the Department of Social Work, University of Ibadan, Professor Mobolaji Ojedokun, observed that most older women sometimes seek young men for sex because they may be having s3xual intimacy problems in their marriages while also noting that some of these women may be separated from their husbands. Furthermore, the university teacher and health social work scholar observed that young men have penile turgidity, which makes them attractive destinations for older women.
The don said, “I want to believe that men getting engaged in s3x work is against the African culture. It is a strange thing as I can associate men’s involvement in sex work with the affluence of their older women partners and the economic lack of the men. I am also aware that some women will have s3x with younger men because these escorts still have turgidity, which, in most cases, their husbands have lost.
“At the same time, apart from having s3x for pleasure, most of these women want to share their bed with young men for diabolic reasons. When this happens, the blessings of the young men get transferred to the older women.”
Meanwhile, contrary to the assumption that older women lure younger men into s3x with money, a lady, Arike (not her real name), has disclosed that younger men, out of brazen audacity, sometimes approach older ladies for this kind of relationship. The 41-year-old mother of three, drawing from her recent encounter with a young man, told Sunday Tribune that young men are more driven by their desire for fame and money and would relent at nothing in getting themselves attached to older women who have the material things they want.
Arike recalled, “The boy, probably in his early 30’s, approached me at a restaurant and started a conversation. I played along, and we exchanged contact information before I left the restaurant.
“In retrospect, I called him and saved his telephone number as a ‘Small Boy toaster’ because he wanted to have affairs with me, even though I told him that my husband was late. We chatted about many things until he started questioning me like I was facing an interview panel.
“When I turned the conversation on him and was a bit combative, he said I was acting immaturely. My understanding of his antics was that he needed an older woman for shelter and status. At last, we blocked each other’s phone numbers and on WhatsApp.”
Reward: More sex, not money
It is perhaps contradictory to hear Genz claim he got tired of meeting his affluent female client. His reason for getting bored was that having s3x for cash was not a thing of pride for him as a man. His explanation agrees with an old study in psychology, which argues that the s3xual instinct, whether for love or money, has an innate potential for mixed feelings or contradiction.
“S3x has to be a thing of pride for men most of the time,” Genz reasoned. “At that point, I was like: why should I be collecting money for sex? I felt that s3x work was beneath me, but it could be what I do when I desperately need money. Therefore, each time I have sorted out whatever I need money for, I just backtrack.”
Bob was not so different in his reasoning, as he claimed that being paid for s3x diminishes his ego as a man. For him, this act makes him lose control and denies him the ability to live up to manliness.
“S3x work is not a space for men to stay. It pays my bill, but as a man, the fact that I have to be paid to have s3x diminishes my ego. I am a man, and nature has it that I should be in charge and provide.
“So, when I have s3x for money, it does not give me the reputation that I deserve. It makes me less of a man, so most men will not even tell you they engage in the act. Even when they do it, they engage in it with older women. A lady my age will not pay me to have s3x with her; that rarely happens,” he said.
When the Sunday Tribune probed the gigolos further on what they would accept as the appropriate compensation for their s3xual prowess, they asserted that more s3x would be the reward for a good s3xual encounter.
Genz explained, “In a marriage, the man’s compensation for s3x will be the woman’s submission and obedience. However, in a s3x work context, men take pride in their s3xual proficiency when their clients keep coming back for more services. The money is an add-on.”
On his part, Bob said, “The reward is more s3x. When the man does not do well, the woman will not come back. When a woman enjoys the sex, she comes back for more.”
Professor Ojedokun, citing the African context, contends that there is role reversal and robbery of natural rights where men fail to take the lead role in their s3xual or romantic relationships.
“In the African context, I believe men are supposed to be at the forefront of any relationship. If a man likes a woman, he is supposed to be the one approaching the woman. If there is a role reversal and women, based on their affluence and desire for pleasure, are the ones asking for men, such men are robbed of their ego and the natural right to make choices of women to go out with,” the don asserted.
We still pay for s3x when necessary
When not physically close to their female clients, male sex workers, who spoke with Sunday Tribune said they satisfy their s3xual urges by patronising their female counterparts, who, in turn, get paid for their services.
Speaking on on their experience, Genz and Bob said they are not different from every man who patronises female sex workers. They visit brothels when they seek to express their right to have pleasure.
Genz explained, “Each time I desire to have s3x, I pay for it. My friend runs this brothel, and I have another friend who runs another that I always call to ask if they have a new female s3x worker wey be say e never spoil for here (who is still relatively new here). Female sex workers at brothels operate terms and conditions for their male customers.
“My experience with them shows that female s3x workers come in grades and charge for parts of the body to be touched, different s3x styles, and duration. They present different s3x packages from which their clients select. For as low as N1,000, even though I will not patronize such for health reasons, one can get a short time with a s3x worker in a brothel.”
Bob observed that the existence of alternative means to have s3x – like s3x workers in brothels and ease of accessibility to female s3x workers on the streets at night – pushes marriage down the priority list for young men. He noted that these alternatives would save him from the strains accompanying relationships leading to marriage.
“I am not married, but I see marriage as a highway to the grave for men. I have married friends, and none has said anything good about their marriages. They do not have peace of mind. The last relationship I had was full of complaints. She eventually left even when I still wanted her to stay. Coming to brothels saves me a lot of stress that comes with having a relationship. I come here knowing I will get what I want, the way I want once I have the right amount of money.
“Approaching a lady for a relationship does not work that way. We will need to create acquittances and move through getting to know one another while we both evaluate whether we want to have each other. Everyone should do what makes them happy without making another person sad.”
The struggle is more profound for Genz, who has kept avoiding marriage because, according to him, he does not have enough financial resources to keep a family. He currently gets paid for s3x by older women, pays for s3x in brothels, and keeps an undisclosed number of girlfriends with whom he mates. For him, staying faithful to his partner in marriage will be difficult if the partner cannot satisfy him s3xually.
“I have not married because of the situation of the country. How will I feed the family if I get married? Of course, I am satisfying my sexual desire; I do not need to get married to have s3x. I have girlfriends with whom I can do it. I sometimes pay for it if I feel it is very important. I am not married today, and I cannot guarantee I won’t keep paying for sex after marriage. If it comes to that, the only thing that would make me keep paying for s3x is if she is not satisfying me enough,” Genz said.
Even though Professor Ojedokun would like to assert that s3x work destabilises marriage, he spares no word for men going into it. He believes that it will be hard for a woman to sexually satisfy a man who has made a living from sex work before marriage.
“Men going into s3x work is abominable. S3x cannot be the work a man does for a living. When it comes to marriage, the critical question remains if a woman in marriage can satisfy a man who has already been involved in s3x work. There is no way sex work will not ruin marriage,” he said.
He added, “I will say that it is good for men to be cultured and to acquire the native intelligence that makes them pass through the waters, the fire, and troubles that abound everywhere around the male gender in society. Going by the biblical parlance, men are the heads. Must we make the head the tail?
“We are responsible for doing dignifying work, raising our families, and putting things in their proper places. How will getting engaged in s3x work allow us to meet these responsibilities? Does it even pay the bills? I do not think so; instead, I believe there are businesses out there that fetch more money than s3x work can ever provide.”
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