It is perfectly natural that nearly all parents worry about getting it right with their children. Am I doing something wrong? Will my child turn out all right? Am I being over-indulgent? Am I spending enough time with my child? Should I play more with them? Am I being too difficult and rigid? Should I relax a bit more? And on and on the doubts, just keep coming. They are often heightened in the face of real or perceived criticism from others.
So, what is the formula for easy and successful parenting? There is no magical template, although some basic principles are helpful in achieving successful and intentional parenting that promotes the emotional well-being of the children and their parents too. An atypical but pragmatic approach by a renowned educator, Esther Wojcicki is the TRICK approach, where T is for Trust, R is for respect, I is for independence, C is for collaboration and K is for kindness. What does this mean?
Trust: Trust emphasises the need for parents to have some confidence in their children and promote their steps towards independence.
Respect: Respect is acknowledging and nurturing each child’s unique gifts and individuality. Don’t just dictate to them.
Independence: Independence is built upon the foundation of trust and respect. Helping children to gain self-control and assume responsibility equips them for future uncertainties in adulthood.
Collaboration: Teamwork and learning to work with others are critical life skills that parents must pass across. Involve them in discussions, decisions and let them grow up with the mindset of consulting and collaborating with others.
Kindness: Parents can model kindness within the family and in their interactions with others via showing gratitude, forgiveness, and service toward others.
Wojcicki postulates that ultimate advantage of adapting TRICK is to create self-responsible children/wards in a self-responsible world where our shared humanity is treasured and enhanced.
I find the TRICK approach very helpful but there are several other tips, distilled from years of research in child developmental psychology. I have put some of these tips together below (by no means and exhaustive list).
These include:
- Understand your child. Every child has a unique temperament. Some are very sensitive while others are naturally more resilient. Some may be very caring and emotionally expressive while others may be more reserved.
- Be a parent to your child: Children, especially before the teenage years, need a firm hand to guide and restrain their excesses. They need to understand that you are the parent and the authority figure in their life. This is not to recommend being authoritarian and harsh. But boundaries and rules must be obeyed. Children thrive best with routine and guidelines. Consistency is key here.
- Support and build their self-esteem: Nurture their self-confidence and build their self-esteem. Let them gain confidence in taking the initiative occasionally to try something new. Do they want to rearrange their room? Why not? Praise them when they do something right. Build their self-confidence. Don’t always point out their flaws and shortcomings. It is very easy to fall into the routine of comments such as “You are always clumsy”; ‘I just knew you will drop them on the floor’ and so on.
- Maintain discipline: Love your children but be firm and don’t indulge them all the time. Wrong actions should carry consequences that are enforced consistently. Even for children with aggressive tendencies, consistent discipline significantly improves their behaviour.
- Be a positive role model: Do not tell them to always be honest for example, when they see you cheating others and telling lies every day.
- Invest your time: There is no substitute for spending quality time, bonding and getting to know your children and allowing them the opportunity to talk freely. Perhaps a family routine such as going for a stroll, or some other activity is ideal.
- Reduce TV and gadget time: Let your children use their creative imagination, let them interact positively with other people in the home, or let them read. Mindlessly sitting in front of the television all day, every day is not beneficial.
- Avoid unrealistic expectations: Do not set your children up for failure. Provide them with motivation, but let them know that it is okay to fail at a task. They cannot come first in examination all the time, but they can aspire for excellence via the habits of hardwork and discipline. Don’t worry about perfection.
- Maintain balance: Avoid being over-protective but at the same time, do not be completely detached such that they wonder if you simply do not care at all about their wellbeing.
- Relax and simply do your best. Enjoy the parenting journey of their growing up years as much as you can. Children are way smarter than we often give them credit for.
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