By Sade Oguntola
As a parent, it’s easy to slip into discrediting a child not acting right, scoring low grades in school or not being clean and tidy enough. It can take many forms: «You naughty boy!», «You›re acting like a spoiled child!», «You selfish brat!», «You cry-baby!». It can happen so easily.
Parents often simply wish to make the child feel ashamed of the behaviour being discouraged; believing that deterring them in this way is the way forward. They want to encourage self-respect, self-care and self-discipline with comments like “have you no shame, how could you act like that, dress like that or talk like that”.
That said, shaming, be it in the form of blaming, humiliating, discrediting, dishonoring or insulting, is harmful and one of many forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Dr Gbonjubola Abiri, a consultant psychiatrist at the Lagos State Teaching Hospital (LASUTH) said many parents see shaming as normal and necessary to put children into shape, but it has a lot of detriments.
“Shaming comes from the culture of wanting to discipline a child. There›s nothing wrong with disciplining a child but you must look at what the child has done, you must look at your measure of discipline and how you are trying to discipline the child, and let the child understand what it is that you are doing.”
Dr Abiri said there use of harsh words or shaming is an unhealthy way to relate with a child as in some instance, it has led to some children attempting suicide.
“Imagine, a patient told me that his parents are always complaining about whatever he does and even when he tried talking to his mother about it, she merely picked up her slippers to hit him. He said the mothers told him how they are ashamed of him, that he is a failure and that they wish that they never had him. This is a patient who had already started contemplating suicide at some point.”
She declared that although shaming was a common form of discipline in many cultures in the time past, the current environment in which children now grow is completely different, likewise their thinking and so parents need to learn healthy ways to correct erring children.
“Shaming is not an effective disciplinary measure and so parents must also heal from their own trauma and learn about healthy ways by which they can relate with children.”
According to Dr Abiri, shaming or disgracing children can cause them to suffer pain and a loss of reputation, self-esteem, trust and sense of belonging to the community. They may experience eating disorders and a sense of loneliness and despair.
Shame can result in a kid not having the confidence to hold boundaries; it can result in children developing a false persona, hence appearing overly confident to hide feeling inferior or being overly competitive while struggling to cope with not winning.
Shame restrains a child›s self-expression: having felt the sting of an adult›s negative judgment, the shamed child censors herself in order to escape being branded as «naughty» or «bad». Shame crushes children›s natural exuberance, their curiosity, and their desire to do things by themselves.
Oftentimes, when shame is unresolved, it can lead to bigger problems again in the teenage years, including vulnerability to peer pressure, addictions or other self-harming habits, aggression and and some will actually take their own lives. They may also end up with difficulties in their relationships with parents, siblings, teachers, friends and relatives.
She added, “There are healthier, loving and effective ways that people can correct children; you can sit down with your children and listen to them. In love, ask questions and help them see things from your own perspectives to create positive behavior change. Shaming is something that should change in this day and age.”
Besides, shaming is very common, cuts across all socioeconomic classes and is considered by many to be acceptable. Shaming is not restricted to «abusive» families; in fact, it occurs in the «nicest» of family and school environments.
But, Dr Abiri said the reason why a lot of people are ashamed is because when they were children, they were shamed and they didn›t know any other way to get the children to do more important things or discipline them.
Those that have forgotten the sting and humiliation of being shamed, risk being insensitive to the shame they inflict on their own children.
“Interestingly, all those children who are shamed, they don’t really take to correction. Rather, they get tougher. They say in themselves that the worst that will be done after shaming is maybe to be caned and this is not possible,” she added.
The use of corporal punishment against children has been hotly debated, and under increasing negative scrutiny in recent years. More and more nations legislate against it and schools ban it, and research psychologists have amassed mountains of evidence of its long-term damaging effects.
In the meantime, the issue of «shaming» as punishment has been largely overlooked. Unfortunately, shaming messages are more powerful when they come from those we are closest to, from people we love, admire or look up to.
The most effective and healthy boundaries can be set without resorting to violence or shaming. Being strong with children does not mean being harsh, or humiliating. There are alternatives to shaming that are healthier and more effective.
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